Severely on My Own Time
Rambling about the past couple of months, taking a break, where I'm at with this music thing, and other scattered thoughts along the way.
It is currently Friday night, and I am in bed making my first attempt to draft this newsletter — by the time I spit out these words and refine whatever is spat out, this will probably find its way to you by Monday (but more likely Wednesday). I am quietly listening to Surround by Hiroshi Yoshimura as I attempt to sift through what thoughts I want to share and, more importantly, find the words to do so. This newsletter will probably read as more of a stream-of-consciousness type thing. Regardless, my aim is to catch up with y’all while also letting this be almost like a journal entry where I can self-reflect a little bit and hopefully make sense of some recent stuff. In the best-case scenario, I will feel a little lighter once I share this. So, here’s some unreserved insight that’s true to me for now.
With Care
I’ve felt more frazzled and scatter-brained than usual in the past couple of months — much of that having to do with slowly witnessing the onset of true feelings of burnout revolving around my music. I was reluctant to even call it that at first, because it’s hard to accept that even as a ‘go-getter,’ I still grapple with this. I think all humans do? BURNOUT, BURNOUT, BURNOUT. It is something to be approached with the utmost care and concern. It is something that must be actively tended to, or else it worsens. As someone who operates in a state of constant motion, being met with this feeling derails me — it forces me to go against the way I feel most valuable in the world.
Speaking of the world, the current state of what in the fuck is going on is not helping either. I’m an empath and overly sensitive, as our most artists and creatives. The world is hurting, and in a particularly weird? evil? scary? state, and I feel it oh so intensely. Truth be told, I’m just trying not to spiral out every day about current world and cultural affairs, and that takes a lot of emotional effort to say the least, without accounting for the emotional effort I must put into my own personal life. Exhausting!
Sidenote: I have paused the album, but it is a lovely ambient album to unwind to, or water your plants to, or stare at the sky to, or something of that nature.
The Problem with *Over* Prioritizing Productivity
I feel guilty whenever I’m not taking full advantage of every second of every day of every month of every year. It’s hard to sit still, and the pace at which our world moves today makes that increasingly more difficult to allow ourselves to do so. We’re supposed to have down periods and stretches of decreased productivity. We’re supposed to sit in silence and stillness. We’re supposed to take things in and absorb the experience of being alive. When we place too much importance on our productivity and abandon all else, our capacity to give from an authentic and loving place begins to suffer.
I suppose that it boils down to the struggle of knowing that doing ‘enough’ looks different each day and also depends on different factors — some of which are within our control and some of which are not. If you’re generally self-aware, with that awareness also extending to others as well as your surroundings, you most likely teeter back and forth between feeling like you’re doing too much and feeling like you’re never doing enough. I think that simply contemplating this already signifies great intention behind the lives we are creating and how we go about that. Can we please let THAT be enough sometimes in trusting that we’re still on the right path?
[Insert Mk.gee lyrics from his track “Western”]
I’m scared of working too hard
I’m scared of working not enoughHow soon is two weeks when it already has been two months?
Are you still having fun?
It’s the cyclical thought process of — if I’m not doing the most at all times, then I’m lacking, which means there’s room for me to do more, so I should. However, that mindset gets really weary, really quickly, and makes for harder crashes when they come (and they always do eventually). The second I feel my output shift, I’m hardcore judging myself, which subsequently has the opposite effect when trying to muster the energy to work at full capacity or at all.
Productivity is obviously important. That’s how goals, dreams, and aspirations are propelled forward. But so is balance, downtime, rest, and periods of renewal — all modalities of being that are equally essential for different reasons. Maybe this section was more of a pep talk from me to me. Noted.
Pause + Redefine
What’s ironic is that while I’m being overly critical about what I’m doing/not doing and overthinking how/when I’m going to get back in the swing of things, there is no one else judging me or thinking that deeply about it. Maybe some of you have noticed that I’ve been quieter this second half of the year (you, as in my 160+ newsletter subscribers, and you, as the people I consider my most valuable supporters). Still, even for the people most closely following my music journey, my absence has not been more than a passing thought of “wonder what she’s up to,” if that. I guess my point is: the things that seem like a big deal to us are usually never a big deal to other people at all. It puts things into perspective to remember this.
Interrupting this final section with the quote above — one I came across on my Substack feed that revealed a candid truth I needed at the perfect time. I love when words be wording.
🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞
So then, what have I been up to, and where am I at with this music thing? The first thing I decided was to stop taking on any more shows when the strained feelings started surfacing. I found myself in quite a negative headspace and frustrated with how my music was being received (lots of that had to do with the headspace I was in while trying to show up, of course). To put it frankly, I stopped walking away from those experiences feeling like I enjoyed myself.
It’s pretty conflicting to feel so disconnected from yourself onstage when you’re supposed to be excitable and able to connect with the audience earnestly. I needed a break, so I took it. In the future, this aspect of my music career will definitely be something I approach differently now. I will 100% still be performing, but it will be less frequently and only for the opportunities that are truly aligned with where I’m at and what I want for myself.
During this break, I’ve been reflecting on the change I want to bring about within my music career and slowly but surely gearing up for next year in terms of business, but most importantly, CREATIVITY WISE. I have music in the works as always — it’s been a slow roll, but a roll nonetheless. It feels premature to speak much more on it — if you can’t tell from the entirety of this newsletter, I’m severely on my own time right now. Just know that I’ve been tying up loose ends for songs that have floated around for some time now, and as per usual, you’ll be the first to know when I’m ready to share.
Some Photos *bc y not*
